It’s very apparent that you feel I’m a burden and I’m holding you back. Well you know what? Fxck you. Who the fxck do you think you are, making someone feel like that. Maybe I’m just being melodramatic, but I seriously feel like you don’t want me to be there anymore. If that’s what you want… so be it. I’m so sick of your shit.
I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling inadequate as of late. It’s not really a what am I doing with my life in the sense that I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of it— I guess it’s more of an “I don’t know if I like where this chapter is going right now…” kind of things.
I don’t really know where these feelings of inadequacy are stemming from though. Maybe it’s the fact that someone that I’m really close to has been avoiding me. We see each other every day because we have to. She’s my transportation to class/work and since we’re in all the same classes, we spend a lot of time together. I acknowledge that we both need space. I’m not really disagreeing with that. I just feel like if it weren’t for that, we wouldn’t see any of each other at all… and I’m not really okay with that.
I’ve spoken to her about it and she said everything was fine, which makes it sound like I’m clingy, but I’m not. The way things have transpired between her and me lately make me feel as though I’m not good enough to be her friend. I know this isn’t true because I’m a great friend to everybody—especially her. I just feel like that’s the way she’s treating our friendship. It’s been very tense and I have been uncomfortable about where things stand. I wish I could give her more space, but at the same time, I’m like… no. I’m not the one who’s making anyone feel unworthy of friendship or that they’re inadequate in any way shape or form. It makes me feel like I have to work to get her to be like she used to, and that’s not okay.
I’m not the kind of person to work for someone’s friendship. I’m there for people to talk to, to listen, to give advice, to help in a pinch, or whatever. I don’t need to earn people’s trust, because I don’t break it. I don’t believe in having to earn someone’s trust in the first place because then the relationship (platonic or romantic) becomes a power struggle. I think power dynamics in friendships are stupid. No one is better than anyone else… so who are you to say I have to earn your trust or I owe you or I have to make it up to you somehow if I haven’t done anything to break your trust in the first place? It’s completely idiotic. I won’t take part in it. You’re not better than me. I don’t have anything to prove to you because I’ve already proven everything to you by being your friend and a damn good one at that.
This person in particular has been hanging out (increasingly) with another member of my student teaching cohort. That’s totally okay. Hang out with whomever you please. It doesn’t bother me at all. What bothers me is that since she’s been spending so much time with this particular person (who happens to be extremely fitness minded), she’s become an A type person, and she’s constantly judging and cynical, and complaining about what she’s eaten (which consists of a cup of jello and half a can of tuna). She doesn’t want to hang out or do anything and as soon as I get into the car, she gets on the phone with someone from back home or this particular person…so I just sit there. I hear everything, even though I’d rather not.
Who wants to sit through 20 minutes of
“I had half a can of Tuna and I’ve had water allll day, I’m sooooooo full” or “I didn’t even touch my fridge once I got home at 4:30.”
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
I get that you’re really into this idea of losing weight, but consuming less than 200 calories a day is not the way to do it. Now I know that I’m not the most health conscious person in the world, but you don’t have to weigh under 120 pounds to know that that’s not healthy.
She’s weight-obsessed. It’s really scary and I don’t really know what to do about it since we’re kind of on edge right now. It’s just hard. I’m in a weird place.
I dunno.
